If you have read many posts on this site, then you already know that probably the crucial issue in most, if not all, mental health situations, from our perspective, is change. Change in some form or fashion is usually the cause of, or solution to, most problems in life.
Of course, change takes many forms in our lives. We could catalog all day the different changes that have shaped people’s lives. A loved one’s passing away, a divorce, a health issue, a job loss, a long-distance move, the list could go on.
A further area of change in a child’s life that can often be overlooked is change in the parent. Problems at work, in relationships, or their own mental or physical health crises can gradually lead to changes in their presentation. Maybe they become moodier, less understanding, more prone to snapping at others. Possibly they fall into an addiction of some type. Even if they are still functioning fairly well this still will cause problems for the child in many situations.
Children are typically very perceptive and have learned to read their parent’s moods. Maybe the child will withdraw or seek escape in video games or other online endeavors when they see their parent seeming stressed or frustrated often. If other problems appear in the child’s life during this time and they feel they have nowhere to turn for support this can often lead to them becoming overwhelmed and beginning to suffer from an anxiety or mood disorder.
Once a family has needed to seek help from professionals one of the questions that always seems to pop up, or often in hiding just below the surface is: Why do we need to do this? This is our child’s problem. Of course, our response to that question in virtually all cases is, if you stay the same, how will your child ever change in the long term?
Parents may take this as blaming them for a child’s problems but we don’t see it that way. We see it as a necessary adjustment in your interventions with the child to help them learn different responses to the situations that are causing them to struggle.
As we have addressed in other posts, this does not diminish your authority as a parent. You can still choose to not accept any of the suggestions made or modify any of your interventions with the child. It is simply that you as a parent continuing what has not worked is potentially ingraining the difficulties even more.
As a parent, you obviously have the ability to set the tone for your entire family. You have the ability to instill values and traditions that are benchmarks for your family. The suggested interventions are more there to enhance or clarify the values you are trying to instill not change them in any way. Therefore, even if you are feeling some infringement from a therapist or counselor, you still have the ability to make all the decisions as to how to use the information.
Another problem that often comes up is that, as an adult, we can have values but our actions can look very different from our values. This can often be confusing or at least send a mixed message to our children. One of the most important ways you can help the situation with your child is to look at your own situation and make sure you are not sending confusing messages to them.
Making sure your actions match your values is one of the most important interventions you can use with your child. This consistency can often be very important to help them feel stability and in their safety everyday life.
On the other hand, if the message being sent to your child is inadvertently that the most important thing is to just get through the day, they will often do that in their own lives sticking to activities that lessen their stress or avoiding stress altogether.
The important idea, from our perspective, is to make sure that you as a parent are minding your reactions and are remaining mindful of keeping your actions and values in alignment. This way you can send a consistent message to your child and help them have a stable framework from which to make decisions in their life.
Please keep an eye on our blog at psychdomain.com and look for more ways you can help your child navigate these uncertain times.