There is an old saying, going as far back as at least ancient Greece, that has been said in different ways but always amounting to the same thing: the only thing that stays the same in life is change. I think we can all attest to the eternal truth of that statement. Of course, there can be a perception of safety in attempting to persist where we are in life. There is a sense of safety there. We know what the day will be like for the most part.
Even as adults there is a considerable push to have a stable, reliable routine. Most people have their morning ritual, they get up, get the kids ready and off to school, stop for a coffee or go to 7-11, go to work, etc. This gives a structure to our day that is comforting. There is little surprise to their lives which, of course, is the ultimate goal, right? We want to have as little anxiety about our life or our day as possible.
Of course, as a child, there is a similar goal to have a routine that lessens our distress as much as possible. This often leads to an understandable avoidance of anything new or unpredictable in our lives. Naturally, we will gravitate toward a new activity if it is in line with interests we already have. For example, if we like animals, getting a new dog can be a nice, but safe way to bring some novelty to your life without the pressure of having to actually change.
As with virtually any problem at home, you as an adult have most of the power. Obviously, there are times when you need to wield that power, especially in times of urgency. The problem lies in the fact that if you constantly make all the decisions for your children without letting them build decision-making and coping muscles, they will go into their teenage years unable to make decisions or face situations that call for change.
The other issue with wielding power at home to get your children to comply is what do you do if they finally refuse? Even if you have 99% of the power what do you do when they finally reach the point where they realize they can just refuse? Now you are faced with the crucial decision as a parent. Do I work with my child to find a solution or do I keep trying to use force? Of course force only takes you so far and is often not productive if your goal as a parent is to help them become stable, productive people. As someone who grew up in a rural environment, it happened time after time that parents used power to coerce their children to do things which, of course, works for a certain amount of time depending on the child. However, when the child starts to become independent that type of interaction typically will breed defiance and weaken the relationship often when they need your advice the most.
This article is being written for the parent who wants to help their children build and use skills that can be used throughout their lifetime. Change is a very sticky subject for both children and adults alike, dare I say, for all of us on some level. We all typically like to see ourselves as willing and able to change if there is a need to do so. Of course, we are the final judges of whether it is necessary or not. Similarly with children, if they see a need to change their routine and feel it necessary, they are usually up to doing it. Their perceptions will often differ from ours in that sense of course. We are providing a simple guide for starting the process in a straightforward way that is measurable and will help you help your child practice being open to change in life instead of resistant to it.
Checking your Balance
When I meet with families in my work this seems to be one of the main areas of difficulty for the family. There is no means of dealing with change whether it be getting older, changing schools, peer relationships, loss of a loved one or parent’s splitting up, bullying, or whatever. There needs to be a means of discussing and dealing with change. Of course, many people will object to this and say, “hey they just need to learn to suck it up and move on.” (As a side note, I would enjoy talking with any parent who feels this way as I understand the sentiment but feel that this is a bit much for most people, especially people with hopes of leading happy life.) If they are insistent with that line of thought then there really isn’t much this article can help with. Godspeed.
However, for the parent who does want to help their child in this area, the first step is to check your basic relationship with them. Obviously, a parent-child relationship is not one of equals but it is one where both people have responsibilities. The child’s responsibilities are usually fairly straightforward but the parent’s not always so much. In terms of providing food, shelter, and clothing, we would all agree that these are parental responsibilities but are there more? This is the main question you need to answer for yourself before you make use of psychdomain.com or any site or book that purports to help you solve problems with your child. Are you often snappish with them, or in a hurry when they ask you a question? Do you overreact when they talk to you about a problem? This is not an attempt to blame anyone for anything. I find that once the problem has gotten big enough that it needs addressing, who is at fault is the least of anyone’s problems at that time. These questions are simple prompts to gauge your communication with your child. If it is on the poor side, it will be difficult to get them to open up or be responsive to any attempt to solve the problem. At this point, your first step may be to simply change your basic interactions with them. Leave yourself time to do this basic work. Play catch with them, give them a few minutes to tell you about something in their life (even if it is a video game), don’t overreact to a bad grade (I did not say do not react to it at all), or other things that are pertinent to your and their lives.
Of course, on the other end of the spectrum, you really are not doing your child many favors if you micromanage every minute of their life. Similar to the other extreme, the child is left with little ability to handle life’s constant changes on their own. “What do I do?” “When do I do it?” “How do I know if I did this correctly?” If a child is brought up with adults constantly making decisions for them, they can struggle to make them for themselves as they get older and are expected to magically have the skill at their disposal.
Define the Problem to be Addressed
As with any undertaking in life, you need to accurately define what you are trying to accomplish first and foremost. What is the problem? Is it just something the child is doing or is it something that is interfering with your routine? As kids get older or have something that upsets their routine, this will often spill over into the routine of everyone else in the family depending on the dynamics within the household.
In this light, the first question to ask is: what is needing changed right now? Is this about my reluctance to change or is this such a major upheaval that it needs addressed? Is this about my son or daughter’s inability to function with change and, if so, do they need help with this type of issue?
Is it possible that you could make a change that would begin to help the situation. Maybe you could spend (or less) time with them. Maybe giving them more accurate feedback or helping them see that frustration is part of growth not a sign of failure. The first thing you can do is look at yourself and see where you can find a way to help the situation.
Is it a possible medical situation? When any child goes through a rapid change that seems to have little explanation, especially if the child is going through puberty, it is possible that a trip to the doctor may be in order. That is not to say that it necessarily mean to prescribe medication but just to make sure the problem is not something that could be easily solved with diet, exercise or some other basic intervention.
Bring Your Child into the Discussion
As mentioned above, bringing your child into the discussion may not work well if you are trying to interact with them out of the blue. If they are accustomed to having talks with you or at least feel comfortable letting you know what is going on in their lives you have a chance. If most of your interactions with them are short or based around superficial subjects, there is a good chance that getting them to discuss an important problem may be difficult.
If your child is able to come into the discussion and express themselves, solutions to the problem can become apparent. Obviously, however, there are a set of problems that are not solvable to any great degree, like death, divorce, or addiction. These are typically the most difficult to deal with and the ones where they will most need your support. It is not enough to tell them to “grow up” or “deal with it” in those types of situations as their way of “dealing with it” may not be what you had in mind. In this age of social media, there are too many negative ways of coping with emotions that are seen on a daily basis to take a chance that your child or teen will simply choose a positive means of coping with something they can do nothing about.
If your child is able to be in a conversation and express what is happening at the moment, it is important that you do not minimize or dismiss it, even if it is an issue that seems to be of little consequence to you. It is still a large issue to them and the manner in which they deal with it will likely set the stage for how they deal with larger issues that crop up in life. Please remember something is only a problem for any of us if it taxes our internal resources to deal with it. If i get a flat tire, it is of little importance to me because I know how to fix a flat easily. However, when there is a puddle of oil under my car we are getting out of area of competence and I see it as a problem.
Now, how do I deal with the puddle of oil? Do I learn how to fix it or at least mitigate it on my own? Do I call a tow truck and have someone else deal with it? Or do I just stop driving and hope that fixes the problem? The last option may seem ridiculous but when we help a child deal with what they see as a problem, that is a very viable option to them in many circumstances. In fact, I dare say that avoidance is the major way that all humans deal with most problems, we just are able to rationalize our usage of it better as adults.
Outline a Provisional Solution to the Problem
As discussed earlier, these situations should not be used for the adult to then fix the problem for the child. They should be used as an opportunity for them to know they have support and you can advise them as to possible pitfalls as to solving the problem. I would also say they could be used to let the child know that avoidance of the problem will not be an option.
Once the problem has been defined and the conversation is happening, give your child a crack at coming up with solutions. With you involved in the situation to give your own insight, you can begin to help them troubleshoot ways of solving problems in their lives. If the problem is with a peer, one possible solution your child may come up with is to never go to school again. Obviously not a viable solution in most circumstances but helping them look at the pros and cons of their ideas can help them build the muscle to begin to troubleshoot these types of situations on their own moving forward.
Does this mean that you allow the child or adolescent to choose whatever solution to the problem they wish? No. Of course, you may have more leeway to let them try different plans if it is a problem at home only but some circumstances will require you to veto their plans on some level. The bottom line should be something like: they give ideas, you help them troubleshoot them, and if they land on a solution that they like and seems plausible to you, begin to implement it with a plan to review the results at regular times (once a week or every two weeks, etc.).
Implement the Plan
In working with hundreds of children and families over the years, and simply from personal experience, implementation is always the most difficult part of any change. My personal view from working with children in treatment setting was that you could make plan after plan and everyone would seem to be on board until it was time to execute. Then the child’s, or the adult’s, mood would change and the plan would go to the side only for another plan to takes its place shortly thereafter, continuing the cycle.
Your biggest job in creating lasting change in these situations will be getting the ball rolling. Have an agreed upon schedule for implementing the plan is one thing. Most of us struggle with these types of situations. You, as the adult, will need to be the standard at the beginning. Children almost invariably are resistant to change, unless it is something they really want. Start as slow as necessary for the child’s functioning level and frustration tolerance level. If, for example, the problem you were working on was something relatively simple, like cleaning their room, start with just a couple of minutes at time. You need to be validating them being frustrated and not wanting to follow through and giving them a positive response when they do anything close to what was agreed upon. Rome wasn’t built in a day, as they say, and your child’s problem probably was not either. It probably took months, if not years, to get to the point you are at now.
It is also possible that your consistency will waver at times. These are the crucial moments. Many parents become frustrated that they have to change their own routines and put the onus and the child, which may be appropriate depending on the child’s age and functioning level. However, the important question to ask yourself in these times is: if I am not willing to do this, why should they be willing? This a conundrum for many people who are trying to change anything in their lives. We are often so stuck in our typical routines that change becomes difficult after a few days. We are struggling to remain consistent but our typical activities at various times of day will often interfere. “I exercise at this time,” you may think. Meanwhile, your child is likely doing whatever they may be doing at that particular time. Do you think they will stop what they are doing to get you and follow through with the agreed upon routine?
This will be the ultimate test of your own convictions. All of us everyday have to weigh the pros and cons of change. Every positive change we endeavor to make comes with it a corresponding loss of something we had been doing our whole lives. Whether stopping smoking, losing weight, going back to school or whatever it may be, change is a stressful experience. For this reason, change is often not worth the price for many of us. If we lose too much in the process it is difficult to follow through. The need to be patient with yourself and your child is of utmost importance. Change will come if you follow through but the price must price must be paid.
Review Progress at Scheduled Intervals
In any process of this type we need to hold ourselves, and everyone involved, accountable. This does not need to be shaming or judging someone’s effort, or perceived lack of effort. What progress was made on the problem? What did we do well? Where did we struggle? What changes can we make to help us be more successful? The more you as an adult are able to weigh in appropriately on these questions and be open and honest, the more the child will take from the experience. Even younger children in the home will take something from the experience. Please make no mistake, children see virtually everything adults do. And many, if not most, are able to see through adults saying “do as I say, not as I do.” The more you are able to let them see you take responsibility for your actions instead of excusing or rationalizing them, the more both of you learn.
Don’t be afraid to make changes to the process but make sure you keep a regular review. Help your child see that this is part of helping them both in the situation at hand and moving forward in their lives.
Life will always be filled with challenges and changes of different types. Continue growing yourself in whatever way that means for you. Take up new hobbies. Go back to school. Do the things that make you feel anxious in your own life. This way your child will have experience seeing someone coping with change in a positive way and have a solid frame of reference from which to draw for themselves.