In the first part of this article, we looked at a typical scenario that could eventuate in a family seeking help from a school-based or private therapist to help their child find ways to cope with emotional problems they may have.
By way of review, we suggest this journey start with a trip to your pediatrician to ensure the problem is not something organic in nature. Once you have decided on a therapist, there is a period of adjustment where most, if not all, of your family will need to change their routine. It will likely also come to pass that the child needing the assistance will be at least somewhat resistant, understandably so.
You as a parent need to make the commitment to be open to the changes that will be suggested and also open to communicating with the therapist when necessary to make sure everyone is having their concerns addressed. If a child who is already struggling with therapy picks up on a parent’s own misgivings, this can be a recipe for difficulties.
In this part, we will look at areas where a therapist may suggest changes in parent interventions as well as the child’s thinking or routine, what your concerns may be, and ways to look at them in different ways.
After the initial phase of therapy is over and your child has built rapport with the therapist, there is often a point where the therapist will make suggestions around different interventions to use in the house or slightly different ways of handling situations that can be triggering for the child, especially triggers to the behaviors that initially brought about the need for treatment.
You as a parent could take this personally on some level or see it as a determination that your parenting skills are to blame for the problem. This is not typically the case. The therapist is working on the assumption that the child and family want help with the behaviors that brought them to therapy and they attempt to help make a framework through which the family can work with the child in such a way as to help them most efficiently find relief. If you do feel that somehow your parenting is being blamed, it is best to bring this up as soon as possible so as to get it out in the open so that next steps can be planned.
Of course, some of the suggestions made by the therapist could cause some uneasiness for you as a parent. One of the most common problems that comes up at this point is when a parent is asked to be more “collaborative” with their child. To many parents, this is interpreted to mean, “let them do whatever they want.” My response to this concern is “if you are letting them do whatever they want, you weren’t being collaborative.” Collaborative interventions suggest that both parent and child are finding a solution that works for both. However, this still implies to some people that you as the parent are not in control and are relinquishing control to the child.
My belief is that you are the parent and are ultimately responsible for your child, especially at a young age. You have the right as a parent to use any interventions you see fit, short of abuse. The other side of that coin, however, is that continuing the same interventions that have got you to this place would seem to be a risky strategy. This is why we always stress the importance of you as a parent making sure you are willing and able to make the necessary adjustments to your routine and interventions before therapy starts. If you begin the process, realize you are not committed, and then end the process abruptly, you child will likely pick up on this and their resistance to therapy will often grow until you will have little ability left to cajole them into engaging.
This is not to say that they could not be areas that could call for a change in therapist. If a therapist tries to impose their personal views on you or your child, that should be a red flag from the beginning. Areas like politics, religion, or culture should be off-limits unless they are identified as a part of your child’s presentation. Religion, for example, can sometimes be a significant part of your child’s problems as ideas like “good and bad” or “heaven and hell,” can be very confusing and frightening to young children. If this is the case, your search should probably include therapists who have experience in talking about these types of subjects so they may be discussed in a knowledgeable and respectful manner.
Another therapeutic suggestion that is often made that can cause concern on the part of parents is the idea of “validation.” Validation is the idea of accepting what another person is saying or doing without necessarily agreeing with it or approving of it. For some people this is seen as a terrible imposition on their authority as a parent. To the therapist, this is seen as a way of helping the child reduce their anxiety or maybe to feel understood by the parent. It also is often a very powerful tool for increasing a child’s ability to feel safe to express themselves. However, in the moment, it is often the case that we react to our child’s struggles by ordering them to their room or inform them of their disrespect.
This, as often as not, leads to an escalation of the behaviors you are looking to end. This is typically called a “power struggle.” If the child is young enough, you as the parent have almost all of the power. You can lock up their phone or tablet, change passwords, or impose any kind of punishment you wish. This type of intervention can seem to work very well, especially in the short term. You didn’t have to change and the child seemed to quit yelling. But what did you accomplish in that situation? Is the child any better able to control themselves? Is your relationship with them any better?
In most situations, the best you can hope for in a power struggle is silent resentment from the child. Another consideration is that much of what is accomplished by imposing your power over your children is to ingrain their problems more deeply, make them more resistant to talking to you when they have a problem, and to simple put off helping them manage their emotions before they lose control.
As mentioned previously, when one considers looking for outside help in dealing with your child’s problems, the strength of your own commitment to doing what is necessary is almost as important as your child’s. Being validating to your child when they are struggling is not a sign of weakness or permissiveness. You still can have consequences for behaviors, probably the same ones you had before in many cases. You can save using your power for select situations where it is called for giving it more weight in those situations.
The main difference between validating and power struggling is that when you are in validating you are preserving the relationship and typically strengthening it. You are also interrupting your child’s behaviors in the moment and helping them learn to deal with their feelings without yelling or acting out. The consequences will still be there for you. In fact, you are able to communicate to them that they are more important than their behaviors. That they are not “good” only when they are “perfect.” Virtually all parents want their children to know that but often are not able to relay it successfully.
In any therapy situation there will be differences in the types of interventions suggested or used just by virtue of the variability among all people. However, ideas like validation and collaboration will almost always be a piece of the puzzle. These ideas do not take away from your authority as a parent and can often enhance your authority as you can use it in urgent situations when it may be urgently needed.