As we have pointed out many times on psychdomain.com, your life as a parent is very rarely straightforward. You seemingly have expectations everywhere. Work projects, bills, social life, family life, there never seems to be an end to our to do lists. As we get set in our routines and look for areas of respite, it can be very tempting to take shortcuts wherever possible.
Of course, wanting to take shortcuts in life is natural, even if it is often counterproductive in the long run. We often just want some peace and quiet, to be able to sit back, relax, and maybe watch some television or something.
There is nothing wrong with this strategy in principle, especially if used judiciously and infrequently. Possibly the biggest problem hidden within this strategy comes out when we are dealing with our children. In a typical situation, we are sitting down, relaxing, when suddenly the kids become embroiled in drama over who gets the last cookie. You have possibly had it for the day. You may be exhausted and ready for bed even though you still have to make dinner or complete some project for work. You just need this situation to end NOW!
So what do you do? You put out the fire. You use your power and impose your will on the situation to make it stop. Is this bad? Not necessarily, especially if you use the “nuclear option” infrequently. So what is the hidden problem with this solution? Well the obvious problem, especially if used too often and without nuance, is that it can rob your child of the opportunity to build their own problem solving ability. Moreover, in many cases children will wait for you to come put the fire out without even making an effort to solve the problem on their own.
Now let’s extrapolate this problem to a child with other issues, say depression. How do you think the reaction of a child will be if they have rarely seen parents take a little time to actually go through all the sticky parts of actually solving a problem without short-cutting it or just avoiding it altogether? Children typically have a hard enough time with building actual problem-solving skills, especially if they rarely see them being used by the adults in their life.
It is in these types of situations where it is very important that you be able to ask yourself if there is a purpose to your parenting. If there is not really a purpose to any of the interventions you use with your children on a daily basis, then it stands to reason that your results are going to be spotty at best, especially with children who have emotional challenges.
Sometimes we need to be able to sit there as parents and referee a difficult situation between multiple children and let them make mistakes so that they can continue to grow and build their own ability to solve problems as they make their way through life. Sometimes we need to stop putting out the fires and let our kids start putting them out for themselves.
Of course, if it has been one of “those days”, it may be exceedingly difficult to find the capacity to sit through a situation that you could easily extinguish simply by use of your parental authority. Having the foresight to physically lay out, write down, and commit to what your purpose is as a parent, can be an invaluable asset to help you assess a situation at home and ascertain if it is a fire that needs put out i.e., a legitimate safety issue, or one that your children need to learn to put out on their own i.e, one that may be loud and irritating on its face but that ultimately is better used as an opportunity for your children to start building their own skills in these areas.
Stay in touch with psychdomain.com and keep building your own ability to parent with purpose.