The novel Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy opens with a line that is often cited as one of the best in the history of literature: “All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”
In my work with families, I recognize this maxim as really being about individuals. Every individual I work with obviously has a different view of themselves and their problems and therefore interprets every interaction with others in a different way.
One of the most sneaky ways in which this idea plays out in family dynamics is in the way families interact when one or more of the members is struggling with a mental disorder. An example would be to look at a family with a child who has suffered emotional trauma, especially at an early age.
A child’s interpretation of many types of interactions can easily become skewed. Typically, the earlier the age of their confusion, the more difficult it can be to correct. This idea is often illustrated with parents who are affectionate with their children but also use corporal punishment with them sometimes leading to conflating punishment with love.
For a child who was physically or emotionally abused at an early age, this can scramble so many of the ways they navigate human interactions that their means of interacting with others can seem completely broken to someone with more normal social skills.
If you are the parent of a child with trauma this can be difficult to deal with especially when they are triggered or otherwise dysregulated.
A good example I have seen on more than one occasion goes something along these lines. A child with a trauma history often struggles to get along with peers or siblings. The parents feel the only way to get through to a child like this is with consequences, like grounding for example.
Of course, in any normal situation, we would agree completely that there should be some type of consequence to go with the behavior. The problem with many children who have undergone trauma is that they often seem to be seeking consequences, whether explicitly or implicitly, either out of a feeling of deserving to be punished or feeling it is a sign of affection from an adult.
These types of situations lead to parents or guardians becoming stuck thinking that punishment is the only way to stem undesirable behaviors but who also are often unwittingly reinforcing those same behaviors.
In our own work, we have often seen parents who are often desperate to see improvement in their child and so when there is a plan put in place for what to do with their child when they struggle with the inevitable question from the parents being “what if they won’t do it?”
Of course, this is a legitimate question because it is almost assured that the child will be resistant to any plan that is asking them to react differently than they have been accustomed to for most of their lives.
In the book Creating Sanctuary, Dr. Sandra Bloom describes this epiphany her team had in helping adult trauma survivors begin to use new means of coping with their emotions:
Patients who have been traumatized in childhood have experienced abusive authority. They expect it, they demand it, they create situations in which it will emerge. Such responses establish set responses on their part that demand no change in their behavior and therefore no increased anxiety, and no confrontation with the past.
Bloom, p. 152
If this is true, then simple, predictable punishment is often very much reinforcing the continuation of the same behaviors and allowing the child to avoid getting to the heart of their trauma.
If one is truly serious about supporting their child in transcending their trauma, Bloom’s believes that the key is to this necessitates calm and attuned responses to the behaviors that are not reliant on the adult simply taking control of the situation for the moment and attempting to force the child into submission (p.151).
The real ability to support someone in their struggle with trauma requires being open with them about it, supporting them in their responses, and helping them build new responses that are sustainable and able to build relationships with others that are reciprocal and based on appropriate models of connection, not on power dynamics and control.
Please check in at psychdomain.com for support in your journey to break free from your past and imagine a happy future.