In the world we live in right now, it is seems to be that for every solution to a problem there seem to only be two possible answers: the right one and “theirs.” Where people fall on the political spectrum seems to be predictive of where they will come down in many areas of life, especially parenting.
One such area is the topic of “validation.” Not only is it often met with either fanatical agreement or annoyed rejection but even when it is used by even the most well-meaning of parents, it is often used incorrectly.
The interesting twist is that parents both for and against the idea of proactively validating their children often both think it means the same thing. This is why it is often used incorrectly by parents who are in favor of using it.
Validation
What is validation? In its basic form, it is simply a means of communicating to another person, child or adult, that what they seem to be feeling in a given moment is “valid”, not right or wrong but understandable. You are not agreeing or disagreeing with it.
For many parents validation is tantamount to saying that whatever your child thinks is correct which, for some, means it is to be avoided. Of course, it is possible that your child could be correct in their assessment of the situation but they need not be correct for you to validate their assessment.
Another often misinterpreted feature, or by-product, of validation is that it is simply used to help the child have artificially high self-esteem. Often both camps, pro and con, think this is the point of using it at all.
For parents who are attempting to validate their children, there are typically two ways it is done incorrectly. The first is as outlined above. You think validating your child is simply saying that you must agree with everything they think, whether you think it is right or not. Often this is done with the intention of making sure your child has high self-esteem. Of course, a five minute Internet search can show you that high self-esteem often carries with it as many pitfalls as low self-esteem.
The other way that validation is often used incorrectly is “backhanded” validation. It is often a clumsy attempt to validate that can make the other person feel as bad or worse than they already felt. “I know exactly how you feel” being a common form. Another variation is the “I know you are feeling (fill in the blank) right now, but…”, a kind of shortcut validation that also typically makes a child feel unheard and invalidated.
We’re here to help
As with most areas of parenting, we at psychdomain.com, are hoping to engage exactly the parent most opposed to this type of intervention. Not only is validation an effective way to help your child when they are struggling but it helps them built their own ability to validate themselves as they get older. A parent who constantly is putting down or shaming their child is only going to make them more liable to fall victim to the type of thinking that can make them depressed or ashamed for life.
Effective validation can be as simple as saying “wow, I hate when things like that happen”, or “I don’t blame you for feeling that way.” Nothing more or less is necessarily needed. In fact, oftentimes, parents start off in the right direction then make the mistake of continuing to talk instead of listening.
Even if you know what they are thinking may be factually incorrect, you are not agreeing or disagreeing with it. You are leaving the door open to them to maybe say more and then gradually see errors in their thinking. When you invalidate what they are saying, the child often will feel alone and will become more defensive and protective of what they are thinking. Later, they may possibly seek out people who do make them feel validated.
Get in touch
If you allow the child to feel validated, they will be more likely to confide in you when they are struggling and listen to your advice. Then, when you feel they are in the wrong, you will have the opportunity to interject some of your experience and hopefully they will begin to see things in different ways. If you continually invalidate, they will likely not feel safe to tell you when they are facing a hard decision in their lives for fear of feeling put down.
Please stay in touch with psychdomain.com. Drop us an email and we will help you identify ways you can improve your ability to help your child work through their problems instead of acting out.